petty_dabbler | (no subject)

(no subject)

Things were going swimmingly. He'd pissed of Fin, hurt Fawn, and gotten a reprimand for smoking in his quarters. They weren't even worth smoking, the awful cigarettes the replicator gave him, but he did anyway- and more recently with his life in shambles.

He'd come to Forward for a drink and a bite, but mostly the view. There wasn't a lot of outside in space, so being able to see the stars was exciting.

John sat at the table at the edge of the viewing window, sipping a gin and tonic because at least that tasted right, and he let himself lose himself in thoughts of the present, the past, and against his better judgment, the future.

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Fin nearly left when he spotted John, but against his better judgement he found himself walking over.

"This seat taken?" he asked quietly.

"Not by anyone I know," he said.

Be nice, John. You promised Fawn you would. Just don't be...yourself.

"You're welcome to join me," Jon added.

"Am I?" Fin asked, not certain if that was true. "I'll leave if I'm not welcome, I'm not looking to fight."

"I promised Fawn I wouldn't fight with you anymore," he said. "It hurt him, and I won't do that to him. He wants peace? Peace he'll have."

Fin sat down, hands folded in his lap.

"I decided not to become an ambassador," he said. "I... I am trusting you to keep my secrets. For Fawn's sake, if not my own."

"I already forgot whatever it was," he lied, and lied obviously. He'd sworn he wouldn't tell. The easiest way to do that was simply not to mention it. Ever.

"This is serious, John," Fin pleaded softly. "I know you hate me, and I won't try and win you over- But I'm not a... Everything I did, I did to protect Fawn. You didn't know my husband, he was... He was a monster."

"Fin...love...first off, I don't hate you. Second, I gave my word. And last, I don't give a fuck. If he was half as bad as the husband I did in, the universe is better off. End of it, hmm?" John said, offering him a sad smile.

God, he missed Fin. His Fin. He was finding he was growing homesick, and that was something he'd never experienced.

"You seem like you hate me," Fin said, looking over. "You get so cross, and I- I know I disapprove of you and Fawn, but I disapprove of everyone and Fawn. He's..."

He hesitated, worried he might start another fight.

"He's so young inside. You get that, right? He escaped the shit my kind go through by refusing to engage."

John looked at him a long moment, then sighed out his nose.

"I have known four versions of you from different dimensions and every single one of them has gotten under my skin and into my blood," he said.

John took a sip, then leaned back a bit.

"I'd noticed he's young. He makes me young. That wonder. That certainty. I love him, Fin. Think whatever you want, but I know what love feels like. And I love him with my whole heart."

"I'm not doubting your love, I'm... I just worry he's young and might hurt you without meaning to, and you might react badly," Fin said awkwardly.

"Never," he said. "Never, Fin."

He picked up his drink again, but then sat it down.

"My life has been nothing but danger, pain, and death. Fawn is everything good I try to protect. I would never hurt him."

"Alright," Fin said, but it sounded like defeat more than anything else.

"...And as much as I care about you both, it's basically marrying both of you, innit. It's obvious you're a matched set. I'll tell him it's a bad idea. You can put that out of your mind," he continued with fake certainty.

"Don't. He'll... He won't take it well."

Fin was silent a beat, then sighed. "Keep seeing him, if that's what you wish, but- Perhaps delay the wedding?" he suggested quietly.

"Alright," he agreed.

He finally took a sip. It bought him a little time.

"Look, I know you don't trust me, and I am a nasty piece of business...but I care about you. Both. And I'm sorry I was a prick."

"Don't. You made it clear what you think of me, John. A whore. A murderer," Fin said quietly.

"No better than me," he said. "You've just killed the one, I'd guess. Fin, I've killed so many. I was angry, but I only said it to be an asshole. It really makes no difference."

"Well if you were aiming to hurt, you did well," Fin shrugged.

"Yeah, it's a talent," he quipped dryly. "Never miss the mark, me."

He was too good. Usually it kept people at arm's reach, never too close. Never close enough to get hurt even worse.

Fin nodded, not sure what more to say and began to rise to leave.

"Fin," John said to stop him.

"Stay," he added softly.

Fin hesitated, but after a long moment of uncertainty sat back down.

"I am sorry," he said, gentle and soft.

Fin knew it would take time for him to believe that, but he nodded slightly, accepting the apology.

"I really don't want to be an ambassador," he said after a long moment.